so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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