everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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