That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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