did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
