man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize