U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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