just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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