I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
