there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
