Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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