she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
