so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Randomize
