Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
