I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
