Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
