A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
