Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize