All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
