Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
