i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
