you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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