im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
