I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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