Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
