you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize