dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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