why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
