respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
