Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
