This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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