Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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