At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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