She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
