I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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