he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Four minutes until I can fart!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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