I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I need to sanitize my soul.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
