Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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