ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
