i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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