well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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