I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
