my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize