if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
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