I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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