I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
