(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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