i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
