Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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