At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
