Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
