I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
