3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
