i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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