Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Enjoy the penises
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
