My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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