you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He has the fingertips of a God
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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