He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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