He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
