fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
