you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
