NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
