I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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